Why we started to give gifts?
As we enter this holiday season, it makes sense to pause for a
moment and think about gifts. What’s the point of them?
On a basic level, we give gifts because we’re supposed to. On
certain occasions — birthdays, anniversaries, dinner parties, the end of the
year — it’s customary.
Underlying that custom is an important purpose: appreciation. We
give people gifts to show them that we are grateful for them and value the role
they play in our lives.
But here’s a common misconception: the bigger, more valuable the
gift, the more it expresses our appreciation. I know people who’ve received
huge stock grants who feel severely under-appreciated.
Because gifts don’t express appreciation, people do. And when
people don’t express it, neither do their gifts.
And yet we almost never do this. Especially in a corporate
setting where we often ask people to be change and where we value them for what
they can do for us and for the company.
Think of our corporate end of the year rituals: performance
reviews, holiday parties, and, sometimes, if we’re lucky, bonuses.
Performance reviews are supposed to identify our strengths, and
the best reviewers spend most of their time dwelling on strengths. But it’s not
a review unless we also look at weaknesses, areas “to develop,” places where we
fall short. In other words, immediately after we tell people how great they
are, we tell them how they aren’t good enough.
Holiday parties usually include a speech by the CEO or other
leader thanking people for their hard work over the year and encouraging them
to continue working hard over the next year. It’s an important ritual but it’s
impersonal, given to the entire company or department at once. And it’s
typically about what we’ve been able to accomplish, not about who we are.
People don’t feel individually recognized.
And bonuses are a business deal, based not on appreciating us
for who we are, but on compensating us for what we achieved, often delivered
with no ceremony and no clearly expressed appreciation. The huge stock grants
that left people under-appreciated? They were, literally, placed on people’s
empty chairs overnight. No note. No conversation. Just a piece of paper on a
chair.
I’m not suggesting these rituals aren’t important. People work
together in organizations in order to accomplish things so it makes sense that
our organizational rituals appreciate people for accomplishing things and for
increasing their ability to accomplish more things in the future.
But I’d like to suggest an additional way to appreciate the
people around us. A way that costs nothing and feels great to everyone
involved: in a handwritten note, tell them why you appreciate them.
Not for what they do for you. Not for what they help you
accomplish. Not even for what they accomplish themselves. Just for being who
they are.
If you’re hesitant — maybe you think it’s too touchy-feely, too
sappy — just think about what it would feel like to receive that type of note
from the people around you.
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